A Letter To My Rottweiler
A letter to my rottie (Titan) who passed away December 28th, 2023
Hey boy, I hope you’re doing well now that you’ve stopped greying. I really dont know how to start this off, but I hope you can still understand me as you did before.
You’re still missed dearly. There is a picture of you on the wall probably when you were around 5-6 years old. Those were the days huh? The times were plenty when we’d go outside 3-4-5-6-7 times a day, you were a pain in the ass when you’d only want to go outside to look at a squirrel or to bark at the mailman.
Even at times when i’d get home late from work and you’d be there wanting to go outside, I took you outside and stayed with you 15-20 minutes even after a long shift. Remember when we used to go outside in the mornings and i’d take my kettlebell and workout while you smelled everything or sunbathed?
Shit even when you were younger we’d go outside and you’d run run and run chasing different kinds of balls, playing tug of war, jumping up to catch random things, eating sunflowers.
I sure do miss you boy. More than you’d ever know. Sometimes I look back at spots you used to lay, I smile, laugh.. remembering the times when we’d make eye contact and pause to which then i’d say “ok fine, YOU READY?!” then you’d jolt up like a bat out of hell and i’d race you to the front door.
I still have a weird feeling about the spot you died in. I hope you were happy passing away in the room you spent most time in, my room. In that same spot you’d lay in when you were tired from playing outside, i’d lay down with you and you would get annoyed and move. I know you didn’t like that game, but I did. We annoyed each other. On rare occasion I know you were fine with it because you’d just purr & purr while i petted you. Like this one:
I am sorry I was not there to comfort you in death, i’m not sure if you would ever hold a grudge against me. I was taking care of my mom (who you also loved dearly) at the Cancer hospital in Houston. When I got the news that you were breathing oddly & such… I rushed home… When I got there, you had already passed.. Im sorry.. It was a tough night to get through… only one of us made it out. Not sure what it meant but me seeing a shooting star though night didn’t feel like a coincidence...Or maybe it was just my mind trying to comfort me.
I don’t know if it was the right decision to let you die on your own terms in a place you were comfortable in, but it was the decision I made. You were a fierce, stubborn dog with no quit, I just felt like I knew you… and you’d want to go down swinging in a place you loved, protected your entire life… We were similar in that way and maybe dogs do take on the traits of the companions.
Like you, know I will never stop fighting, to the bitter end. When you were diagnosed with cancer and started to show signs of rapid decay… The graying in your eyes… I knew you were telling me goodbye…Now I know how upcoming death looks. I didnt know what do to. Momma had just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time… It was easier to try not to think about it… To let yall fight together just like the first time, I know you fought… I know how much you loved her and me, it did not go unseen. Your physical self may be gone, but you live here still. You always will. Right by our side.
Right before momma’s surgery she said she felt you guarding her… She still says you watch over her as your picture sits in the bedroom, I have no doubt.
I’ve come to closure with your death… Although some days it seemed as if you’d be alive forever like a statue on a wall… You were tough, but when you hurt… I knew you hurt and you’d come to me. Now you’ll always be within me. When you were alive i’d always give you extra time, because I knew that day would come. I knew that if I didnt do these things, I would regret it later. Now in days I almost feel regret, but truthfully it gets confused with the pain accompanied by happiness, grief, humor —There is no regret because I gave you my time 95% even when I was tired, mad, sad, happy. Thank you for this experience.
Truthfully, im not sure if I ever want another dog. You filled my heart. Thank you for taking care of my mom while I was away… During the first term of her cancer, you were her rock… Gave her companionship, reason to get up even though she was feeling sick from chemo, made her smile… Its something that I could never repay you for not only because you’re dead but because it is something you did with pure “want”. You wanted that life and you got it. We’d leave the gate open and you never left. This was your home, your domain. You were loved and wanted. You were not “just a dog”… It stretched further, way further.
Farewell my friend, I never thought i’d openly write a letter like this, but it has been within me for a while. Maybe more letters will come at a later time as there is still so much to say that cannot simply put into words at this moment… Just know I miss you dearly… I write this with tears in my eyes…The house is empty, silent…Your hair is mostly gone from everywhere it would be which was… Well everywhere… But every once in a while, I find one of those course black hairs that I knew belonged to you and it just brings me back. We all miss you and will always remember you. You will live forever within me.
Love you always my boy,
Me
